What I hate most about the poor ...

is the way some of them talk to their kids

Published on September 1, 2004 By Jay Walker In Home & Family

In my full-time job, I often appear at people's homes unexpectedly and have the opportunity to view their homes from top to bottom. That means I get to see a slice of life as it exists for those people, at that moment.

I also get to see the full-price spectrum - from the wealthy through to the poor.

And what I hate most about the poor is the way they talk to their kids. As a generalization, they have no qualms about using me, a total stranger to leverage their kid into some type of behaviour (such as getting them to clean their rooms, etc.). The difference between them and the rich, is that while the rich may aslo do this, they don't try to humilate the kid while doing it. Many poor parents have absolutely no idea "How to win friends and influence people". And they are equally clumsy at handling their children.

I consider it no surprise to find that poor people are often drawn into conflicting with authority figures - after all, they learned it at their parents knee. With so little backing from their parents, it's no wonder they've learned poor habits.

Now, before you flame me, not all rich parents are good, nor poor parents bad ... but as a generalization I have found this to be true.

JW

Comments

Texas Wahine

on Sep 01, 2004

I found this post to be wholly inflammatory (possibly you are innocently sharing an observation, but your wording makes you appear prejudice) and your boldness to generalize a HUGE class of people is stunning. I stay at home with my children and my husband is a soldier . . . I am sure that we qualify as the "poor" of which you speak. Come to my house and watch my interactions with my children. I adore my children and make every effort to instruct them positively. It is my experience that many times the "poor" place more value on family than those with money who are very career-driven. Perhaps you should work on your assertion a bit and narrow down your generalization.

Draginol

on Sep 01, 2004

I considered this article to be very interesting. I don't have any experience in this area.

He's making a generalization, not an absolutism.

Texas Wahine

on Sep 01, 2004

He's making a generalization, not an absolutism.

And what I hate most about the poor is the way they talk to their kids.

Possibly you are right, Draginol . . . but it reads to me like something he is asserting as "absolute" rather than "in many instances" or "in my limited experience". . . throwing a couple "as a generalization" clauses in an otherwise absolute statement doesn't do much for me. I will admit that I may be taking him wrong . . . that's just how it reads to me.

Jay, what is it that I should be taking away from this post? If I am getting you completely wrong, please help me understand what it is that I am missing . . .

KarmaGirl

on Sep 01, 2004

I think that a bit you have to look at is if the person is poor by choice, poor because the work they do doesn't pay much, or poor because of some tragedy or life altering event.

I live around a few fairly poor farmers. Clean yards and homes, and very nice people.

I have family and a current neighbor who are poor because they just don't like to work. Nasty houses, messed up yards and don't take care of their kids.

I don't know anyone in the third catagory to compare with. I know some people who were very poor for a short time because of tragedy, but they always worked their way back out.

Yep, those are generalizations, but they are based on my experience.

Gideon MacLeish

on Sep 01, 2004

Wow....

As a person who has lived in poverty most of my life, I can tell you that's not even a fair generalization. I am guessing out of context that you are some sort of law enforcement officer, so it would stand to reason that you don't get to see most of the honest, law abiding poor that have a completely different approach to managing their kids.

I, too, have seen both rich and poor. We have, however, been repeatedly commended for the fact that our children are always well behaved and orderly in public. We have never threatened them, they know that their actions have consequences. I have seen parents such as those of whom you speak, and they are, in my experience, in the minority. And they are equally appalling to me.

Jay Walker

on Sep 01, 2004

Again, people, it's definately a generalization. There's lots of nice poor folks out there - hell, some might have seen my many posts defending the poor on these very shores.

No, I'm not in law enforcement. Nor am I a social worker.

Nevertheless, I have found what I stated to be *generally* (a gross generalization, to be sure) true. When I'm working in the rich part of town, almost all the parents talk to their children in quiet tones, taking them off to the side when they need to "correct" the child (verbally I'm talking about).

One the other hand, I see parents talking poorly to their children much more often in the poor section of town - they'll often even turn to me, an unknown stranger, and say something like "See, that's what I have to put up with." Therein, humilating the child. I honestly don't think I've *ever* seen this when I've been in the wealthy part of town.

Again, this isn't all poor parents, probably not even nearly the majority. But maybe as many as 10, 20 or 30%. Whatever, it's been significant enough for me to note it, and avow that I'll never talk to my kids like that.

JW

Texas Wahine

on Sep 01, 2004

Jay: I apologize for my hasty judgment of your post.

When I'm working in the rich part of town, almost all the parents talk to their children in quiet tones, taking them off to the side when they need to "correct" the child (verbally I'm talking about).

Just curious, but again using generalizations, do you think that it is possible that some families that are more "well off" feel the need to protect a certain image and thus are quite careful about harshly rebuking their children in public while "poor" families feel they have no image to be concerned with due to their socioeconomic status and thus react treat their child just as harshly in public as in private?

I know that I personally use much softer tones with my children in public, simply because I know that my actions and parenting skills are being judged and I feel the need to "pass the test". That is not to say that I scream at them or belittle them in private, but I have found that being in a public places extends my ability to be patient with them simply because I know that others are watching to see how I handle a given situation. It's a silly way to be, but I suspect that it is a fairly common thing amongst parents, whether they openly admit it or not.

Gideon MacLeish

on Sep 01, 2004

Jay,

Yes, what you said in your defense was a generalization. However, if I went into a school and found a few disshevelled janitors on the night shift that had just finished clearing several toilets and waxing the floors, took pictures of them and distributed them in a school district brochure as "employees of the school district", it would be true, however, it would be an absolutely inaccurate portrait.

In my experience, there's a world of difference between the urban poor and the rural poor. The people of which you speak are fair representatives of certain segments of the urban poor; more than likely, the segment they represent consists largely of single mothers or mothers with a rotating cast of boyfriends and no constant male role model that are quietly pleading (although inappropriately in this case) with you for help. I could be wrong in this assumption, but many of the poor that I have seen that fit that generalization fit into the category I specified.

Gideon MacLeish

on Sep 01, 2004

I would also encourage you, if you don't want your comments to be viewed as a generalization, to be careful how you phrase the titles.

Just a hint.

Jay Walker

on Sep 01, 2004

Yes, for sure. Nevertheless, the child feels humiliated. They are being embarassed in front of a stranger.

A very good friend of mine, growing up, was from a reasonably well off family. His mom, I found out after several sleep-overs, was hell on wheels. But she projected a nice image to strangers. So that happens for sure, too.

In my experience, there's a world of difference between the urban poor and the rural poor.

I have no experience with the rural poor. In my mother's time, day and place (a rural place), everyone, she says, was poor and didn't know it. Given where many of those folks ended up, and the kind of people and parents I hear they became, I suspect you're quite right on this (again, as a gross generalization).

I would also encourage you, if you don't want your comments to be viewed as a generalization, to be careful how you phrase the titles.

My comments were a generalization. I stated so, several times in the original posting. However, I've been in several thousand homes, enough to conclude, to my satisfaction anyway, that this isn't some type of statistical anomoly, like your janitor illustration.

JW

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